#Caturday
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What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
time for some seasonal decor
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
tell em, edith-anne
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
eating my hot dog hamburger style
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.