Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
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business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
I’m not average. I’m mean.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”