playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
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[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
dads on road-trips be like
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.