That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
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My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Never be a pizza!
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
*pronounces surface like Versace*
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”