life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
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I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Pandas 🐼🖤