When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
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My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
BRAKING NEWS!!
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.