3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
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me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
So creative 😂
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫