Jesus Christ lmao
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Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
*exercises sarcastically*
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)