If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
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When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.