[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
You Might Also Like
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
This is my bus stop.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse