Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
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me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
My last name is Zilla.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
remember
only for emergencies
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe