You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
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He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
North and South
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.