[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
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My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?