All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
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Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
There are usually two types of merchants.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.