perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
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Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.