Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
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In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
the three branches of government
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early