Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
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So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
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