Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
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Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
eggs benadryl
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.