What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
i hope my email finds you on fire
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
my favorite genre of twitter
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
When you’ve simply given up.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.