(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
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Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”