Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
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This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.