Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
You Might Also Like
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable