Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
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I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Is this you?
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?