My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
You Might Also Like
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.