“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
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I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
So glad we cleared that up
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.