Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
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I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.