At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
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I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.