January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
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Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!