[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
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*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence