Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
You Might Also Like
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Barbie gone wild
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.