I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
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F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
nobody’s gonna understand
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.