ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
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“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Would you wear it?
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?