Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
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Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.