I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
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I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*