TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
You Might Also Like
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker