Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
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i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
what are they serving at kfc then???
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*