I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
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My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
📽️movie date🎞️
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.