McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
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HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
s
oc
i
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I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed