My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
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*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Do one person every day that scares you.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on