My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
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friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
The options really are this bad
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Only Americans understand
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*