DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
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As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
oh shit
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.