Wordle is trying to tell me something
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If you watch Home Alone backwards itβs a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Therapist: So youβre sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s βcoolβ, but when I do it, Iβm a βcreepβ.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
me: yes, iβm very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i havenβt asked you anything yet
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
*gets down on one knee*
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Donβt explain my jokes to me. I donβt want to know what I mean.