I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
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The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.