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[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
it was a valiant fight
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
my proudest tweet
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie