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uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
President The Rock Obama
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!