To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
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1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Bruh PLEASE
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Stop being racist to kettles.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”