definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
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“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9