best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
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I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks