I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
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in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Geez man, take it easy.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles