I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
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I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
remember
only for emergencies
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow